CLAREMONT, CA—Sources have confirmed that local assistant professor of Applied Gender Entanglement Studies, Spenther Dillstump, unsealed his front door for the first time in two years then, clutching his emotional support Fauci Doll and whispering a prayer of righteous safetyism to Dr. Rachel Walensky, emerged from his home to face the eerie dystopia of people living normal lives.
“Eeek! What’s that horrific monstrosity! We’re all gonna die!” yelled Dillstump according to witnesses who reported him pointing at the unmasked smiles of an older couple walking past. The quadruple-masked adventurer was also seen trying to ward off the couple with a printout of outdated CDC guidelines while shouting long-disproven facts about natural immunity.
Numerous eyewitness accounts describe Mr. Dillstump as frantically scurrying behind trees and dumpsters whenever humans passed by in their threatening states of happiness and normalcy.
Onlookers later described police arriving at the city park in search of terrorist groups acting violently, as described by an anonymous 911 caller. All they saw were a few families enjoying the fresh air, children laughing and playing, and a crazed man behind some bushes gargling hand sanitizer. Underfunded and overworked, the officers were unable to question the individual—identified by onlookers as Dillstump—as dispatch sent them away to the 39th carjacking that day.
Exhausted and overwrought, Spenther Dillstump eventually snuck back to the eternal safety of his home, having never found a store that sold hazmat suits and still mandated masks, vaccines, social distancing, and BLM attire.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.