LONDON — While contemplating the best way to pass their time at the tavern, a group of local men began brainstorming various activities they could engage in, with the result on this particular day being one of the greatest leaps forward in history for mankind.
"Hey boys, let's say we get roaring drunk and hurl razor-sharp, winged needles across the bar!" said Thomas Weatherington in a historic stroke of genius. "Hear me out, gentlemen. We'll go down to the local pub, drink until we can't see straight, and start throwing these sharp objects in a room of relatively tight quarters and filled with people… eh?"
Weartherington's compatriots paused for a moment and looked at each other before responding. "Thomas, old chap… that's a blistering good idea!" shouted James Chillingshead III as he slapped his knee. "Why, I can't fathom a more entertaining and wholesome pastime than to become completely inebriated and start flinging dangerous items through the pub! Good show!"
The group of men reportedly wasted no time in making their way down the street to The Wounded Fox, a local tavern, and asking the barkeep for a round of beer and all of the sharp metal in the building. They then fastened a crude target of sorts to one of the support columns in the pub before wildly flinging razor-tipped pieces of steel and tin across the crowded room.
At publishing time, Weatherington found enough of a pause in the revelry to shout "You know what else this party needs, my good fellows? FIREWORKS!" to the jubilant cries of the bar.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
