SPRINGFIELD, IL—An Illinois legislator has proposed a bill that would ban Minecraft after a concerning recent rise in kids punching trees to acquire wood.
Influenced by evil, violent video games, kids all across the nation have begun running around their local parks and forests to punch trees, hoping that cubes of wood might pop out so they could build houses, towers, and other nefarious contraptions. Kids were seen running and hopping around, punching trees, digging holes with their hands, and even punching farm animals in the face in hopes of acquiring various resources.
"These kids are very susceptible to influence from video games at this age," said the state lawmaker. "This rise in violence against trees appears to come from the popular video game Minecraft. Kids, who are dumb and can't distinguish reality from these so-called 'video games,' play the games and then go outside and replicate exactly what they were doing in the virtual world. They punch wood. Then they stack up wood in a T formation to try to make a pickaxe. Then they take that pickaxe -- which doesn't work very well, by the way -- and try to mine stone, and then iron, and then gold, and then diamond, and the next thing you know, the precious gemstone market is flooded and the world economy collapses and we're all living in a Communist state lining up for bread."
"All because of video games."
At publishing time, sources had also confirmed that a group of kids influenced by popular video game Among Us had launched a spacecraft into orbit and were violently throwing each other out the airlock.