WASHINGTON, DC — Layoffs at the Department of Education were delayed yesterday after administrators could not calculate how many employees fifty percent would be.
"We got an order from the President to cut our employment numbers by fifty percent, but how in the world would you calculate that? Do you like, times something?" DOE employee Kaitlyn Miller told the press. "Maybe you divide, or even square root something. We really don't know how to proceed. I wish there were some sort of department of fractions."
Employees spent the better part of the day attempting to count up the number of employees. Several strategies were employed, including having all of the employees line up in a row and attempting to add them up one by one. However, administrators lost count several times, resulting in hours of setbacks.
"What is fifty percent? Sounds a bit fascist, if you ask me," Miller said. "Perhaps we should try counting by fifties. Someone really should have given us more guidance on this."
At publishing time, employees had found themselves unable to leave the building as none of them could read the word "Exit" on the signs by the doors.
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