PIERRE, SD — In an agonizing end-of-life decision, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem had her political career humanely put down today.
Political aides soothed the South Dakota governor by informing her that her political career had simply gone to live at a farm upstate. "Shhh, it's okay," said her chief of staff Eric Lawrence. "Your political career has gone to live with Mr. Stonyhill where there's plenty of land to campaign in. It'll be happier there."
Experts say that the decision over when to put down a political career is always a difficult and heart-wrenching affair. "In cases like Governor Noem, the political career was frankly already dead. We were just putting it out of its misery," explained Lawrence. "You can't get caught lying about meeting the North Korean dictator just one week after you brag about how tough you are for killing a puppy. It was over."
"It's always a last resort decision when someone chooses to put down a political career," said Dr. Jones, a political science professor. "Most people agree that some medical reasons can make it a necessity, but there can also be destructive or aggressive behaviors to consider. In this case, it was a politician setting herself on fire on national television over and over and over and over."
At publishing time, Noem's career was reportedly still on life support after analysts confirmed that of the people Trump had considered for Vice President, she was still the hottest.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
