Much has been made about the Boy Scouts of America changing its name to "Scouting America" to promote greater inclusivity, but few people have heard about all the cool new merit badges scouts can now earn!
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of new badges kids can get as part of "Scouting America":
- Pride Badge: Earned for sewing your own rainbow pride badge and declaring it "fabulous". Yay, scouting.
- Flag Badge: Obtained by starting a fire using nothing but lighter fluid, a match, and an American flag.
- Crime Badge: Use those knot-tying skills to make a noose, then use it to fake a hate crime. It's never too early to learn.
- Camping Badge: Earn this badge with an overnight field trip to a real Ivy League campus. Don't forget your Rubbermaid shield!
- Decolonize The West Badge: Obtain this merit by explaining to an old Army veteran why democracy is evil and math is racist. Good luck.
- Pronoun Guessing Badge: Earned by guessing your scout leader's gender on the first try. Not so easy these days.
- Molotov Badge: Credit for firebombing a building, extra credit if the young scout makes the firebomb himself (or herself, or theyself, or whatever).
- Transition Badge: Earned for performing your own gender transition in the wild using nothing but what you find in nature.
- First AIDS Badge: Be the first in your scout troop to... well, you know.
- Pfizer Badge: Won by reaching double digit COVID vaccinations. Just a few more blood clots, Timmy!
- Marks-person-ship Badge: Get out of here with that outdated "marksmanship" and its patriarchal origins.
- Self-Defense Badge: Obtained by identifying as a woman and then beating the crap out of women in MMA. Victory!
Just think of all the amazing skills your child can develop while filling up their uniform with so many amazing badges. The best part? All scouts will receive every badge whether they've actually accomplished the task or not. Inclusivity!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
