HANOI—After Kim Jong Un claimed to have nothing to do with the brutal treatment of Otto Warmbier while the American was in North Korean custody, renowned judge of moral character Donald Trump quickly declared the man to be trustworthy.
The world wasn't certain it believed Kim Jong Un. But then, Trump vouched for him, and the world breathed a sigh of relief. Now pretty much everyone trusts Kim Jong Un's claim, thanks to the support of "the most honest president of all time," Donald Trump.
"He says it, I believe him," Trump said. The president who's become known for his excellent moral discernment pointed out that Kim Jong Un's statement had all the hallmarks of truth, such as Kim Jong Un not really having any reason to lie about it and the dictator "seeming sincere." Trump also claims to have obtained a pinky promise from the dictator, "the highest and most trustworthy promise in North Korean culture."
"I've always said I'm a great judge of moral character," Trump said. "I bet you can't point to a single time I've misjudged someone, say, a staffer I declared my total faith in only to trash on Twitter a few weeks later. You can't find any examples like that. I have tremendous perception when it comes to this stuff."
At publishing time, sources had also confirmed that Donald Trump "totally believed" Kim Jong Un's claim that he is a god.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.