DAYTONA, FL — Despite local man Roger Turnbull nailing every single word and intonation of the rap part in "Jesus Freak", Turnbull's two kids somehow remained unimpressed with his lyrical prowess.
"Really? Nothing?" asked Turnbull as he turned to his son and daughter, both whom had their heads buried in their hands. "But - but I had to match the rhythm of his belly wit' my head!"
Though Turnbull's kids had to admit their father totally had the rap down pat, they still appeared completely unmoved by the performance. "I know Dad's proud of this accomplishment, and I'm sure it actually was cool at some point -- like, twenty years before I was born," said Tara, Turnbull's daughter. "Wait, did he say the guy's belly was like marmalade jelly? Ugh, that's so gross! "
According to sources, Turnbull has spent the past twenty-eight years crushing this particular rap, ever since the release of DC Talk's smash hit. "I've been down with the DC Talk since I was twelve, man," explained Turnbull. "I can't believe the kids didn't go crazy for that. When I was in middle school, 'Jesus Freak' was the only cool thing the Christians had. I just channeled my inner Toby Mac and nailed that thing! Tough crowd, man."
At publishing time, Turnbull felt renewed hope that he could impress his kids with his spot-on rendition of "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything".
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
