SPOKANE, WA — The three teenagers who were arrested for riding scooters on a Pride flag painted on the road were kicking themselves for not simply lighting the American flag on fire and threatening violence instead.
"I guess we picked the wrong flag," said one of the teens, whose name has been withheld for anonymity. "I had no idea the Pride flag was so much more sacred than the American flag."
According to sources, the teenagers were surprised to learn they could deface statues, light smoke bombs outside the White House, hold up a bloody mask of the President, threaten mass murder, and light the American flag on fire without any consequences whatsoever. "That's completely insane," said one of the teens. "All we did was ride our scooters in circles a couple of times. I know I'm just sixteen, but that seems a little less bad than all that other stuff."
At publishing time, the teens were informed that they would be released without charges so long as they would say their scooter circles were to protest the rescue of the Israeli hostages.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
