WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senators were shocked today as Biden's Supreme Court nominee defended pedophiles, saying their lives shouldn't be ruined for something they did for only 15 minutes. As the democrats nodded in agreement, she then went on to defend murder.
"Let's talk about people who commit mass shootings," said Jackson. "Semi-automatic firearms can shoot hundreds of rounds per minute, making it much easier and quicker to kill a lot of people than it used to be when our murder laws were written. I say again - it isn't fair to put someone away for life just because they pulled a trigger several hundred times over 15 minutes! I am very smart."
The committee members stared blankly and blinked a couple of times before continuing the questioning.
"Miss Jackson ma'am, are you WOKE? I don't know what that means but are you WOKE?" said Senator Lindsey Graham, pounding his fist on the table. "Answer me now, little missy!"
"I'm not sure what that has to do with the fact that I proudly support lighter sentences for pedophiles and murderers," said Jackson. "I also support lighter sentences for other offenses that only take 15 minutes, such as rape, bribery, and extortion."
"Yes ma'am, but what does all that have to do with this weird children's book I found in your school library this morning," said Ted Cruz. "Answer me right now!"
President Biden congratulated Jackon for her performance and promised she would be confirmed as long as she remains an extremist woman of color by the end of the hearings.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
