TALLAHASSEE, FL - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed an official state declaration claiming Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi sucked.
"People need to know that Florida stands for reason, goodness, anti-wokeness, and respecting the fandom. No totalitarian COVID measures, no creepy child grooming, and no dumb casino planets! The Last Jedi is super lame!" said Gov DeSantis.
"I'm all for subverting expectations, but The Last Jedi goes too far. I still can't believe Rian Johnson added paper to the Star Wars galaxy. Paper!" the governor raged. "And don't get me started on strange British broom boys. This isn't Oliver Twist!"
DeSantis, a known supporter of The Force Awakens, was also critical of The Rise of Skywalker for pretending The Last Jedi never existed.
"We all agree it was terrible but you have to tie up those loose ends, J.J.! You further split the fandom! Ugh!"
CNN's Don Lemon said of the Florida state declaration, "Racism, sexism, and transphobia isn't enough for Florida. DeSantis is coming for Tatooine!"
DeSantis remained firm. "Tatooine isn't even in The Last Jedi, Lemon doesn't know what he's talking about! He spreads false narratives, I disabuse him of those narratives, but he tells them anyway."
Star Wars creator George Lucas supported the declaration but lamented that it didn't actually do anything. He is reportedly in talks with DeSantis to film a new Star Wars movie to replace The Last Jedi that will only be shown in Florida.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
