CINCINNATI, OH — According to sources, Ken Ham was spotted today hiding on the second floor of the Museum of Natural History & Science with a sniper rifle listening intently for anyone uttering the words "millions of years."
People visiting the museum reported seeing a silver-haired man matching Ham's description clambering around discreetly among the museum's exhibits and carrying what appeared to be a long-range rifle of some sort. One witness believed Ham was waiting for someone to mention the theory of evolution or the earth being "millions of years" old.
"You could tell he was just waiting to take someone out," said one museum visitor. "During our guided tour, any time someone would mention dinosaurs living millions of years ago, we heard grumbling and a few boos from somewhere above us. I'm pretty sure I noticed the red dot of a laser sight dancing around menacingly on the tour guide's forehead. Honestly, it's surprising we all made it out alive."
As word spread of the armed Ham's presence, sightseers and museum staff grew more cautious about the words they used. "He shows up every now and then to harass people," said one employee of the museum. "One time he sprayed silly string all over a tour guide for talking about how long it took the Grand Canyon to be formed. Another time it was a stun gun. I guess he's getting more serious."
At publishing time, Ham had shut himself and his wife and family up inside his Ark Encounter attraction and would not agree to be questioned.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
