HOUSTON, TX—During a special live-streamed Lakewood Church service Sunday, Kanye West selected prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen as his running mate.
The duo has teamed up for special events and public appearances since West announced his recent conversion to Christianity, so it was a natural fit.
"I'm real happy for Mike Pence, and I'ma let him finish his term out, but Joel will be the best VP of all time!" West said. "He's a great minister of the gospel and he's really happy all the time. Kinda creepily happy, actually. Like, it's pretty concerning."
Osteen's campaign strategy is to tell the people what they want to hear, avoid the hard truths, and simply declare victory over the competition.
"This will be a positive campaign," he said. "I never go negative. I never even think negative thoughts. In fact, just saying the word 'negative' is making me feel icky. I need to go declare words of positivity over myself now. Money! Cars! Houses! Victory!"