WASHINGTON, D.C. — As stock markets crashed around the globe amid poorer-than-expected jobs reports and the threat of even more wars, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly seen desperately googling "What Is A Stock Market Crash."
According to eyewitnesses, staffer Greg lost the round of rock-paper-scissors and was chosen to break the news of the stock market crash to Kamala.
"Uh, Madame Vice President," said Greg, being careful to avoid making any eye contact. "Markets around the globe have dropped. The Nikkei in Japan has lost 12% in value — the biggest drop in a day ever — and the DOW lost 1000 points in one day."
"Hahaha," cackled Kamala. "That's great! We did itttt! Bidenomics is working."
Greg cleared his throat. "Um, Madame Vice President, if I may. Actually, when the stock markets lose points, that's bad. When they lose this many points, that's called a stock market crash."
After some awkward cackling while she processed the new information, Kamala began to get angry with Greg. "I know what a stock market crash is, you dolt! Now get out of here and whip up some more TikToks for me on how Bidenomics is working!"
As Greg scrambled away with tears welling in his eyes, Kamala could be overheard googling the news.
"Oh great Google Cloud that is above me, what is a stock market crash?" Kamala spoke aloud as she typed into her laptop once it finally dawned on her that a presidential candidate should probably know something about the economy.
Kamala then scrapped her plans for the day to avoid any media scrutiny of her campaign and went on MSNBC to make a statement about the stock market news:
"The stock market is really big. The stock market is really important. The stock market is so big and so important that it really surrounds us and penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together. There's lots of money in the stock market. Stock market crashes can be scary and it means that what once was high has now gone low. And that's bad. That means bad times for people who had money in the stock market. That's why it's so important that we continue the work that we have been doing and that work is every day."
At publishing time, Kamala was seen googling "How to fix your approval ratings."
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
