LAWRENCE, KS — A local little league baseball player found himself embroiled in controversy this week, as he was confronted with accusations that he wears 12% blackface when taking the field for games.
"We all see who you are," said sports journalist Stan Brackerman. "You may think you're just out there playing little league games, but you're not fooling any of us. Using the proud heritage of black Americans as some type of costume for part of your baseball uniform is disgusting and shameful!"
The boy, 6-year-old Braden Harris, was caught off-guard by the allegations. "What?" said Braden. "What does ‘blackface' mean? I put those black lines under my eyes so I can see better when the sun is shining. It helps me be really good at catching the ball!"
Braden's critics did not accept his explanation. "Oh, come on!" Brackerman said. "Don't try to feed me that old ‘the black under my eyes helps me see in the sun' line. I find it far more likely that this young man is a raging, hateful, bigoted white supremacist. He might as well take the field wearing a red MAGA hat, for crying out loud. My question for this young man is, ‘Why do you hate people who aren't white?'"
Braden remained unconcerned. "I really like playing baseball," he said. "It's fun! Yay, baseball!"
At publishing time, Braden was last seen enjoying a game of catch with his father on a brisk autumn afternoon while Brackerman was working on an explosive hit piece that would expose Braden as a violent domestic terrorist in the making.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.