Greetings, Christians of America.
I am running for President of the United States and I am writing today to ask for your vote.
I know I do not have the best track record with religious voters. I understand that your rights as Christians are of utmost importance to you, as you feel them being suffocated in the current American landscape. You are concerned about the cultural tide rising against your values. You are worried about the force of the government coming against the practice of your deeply held beliefs. There is tension in the air that everyone can feel.
But it doesn't have to be this way, my Christian friends.
I want to make it clear to you that a vote for me is a vote for a quick, clean death for your religious liberty.
The aforementioned death is already coming, to be sure. The dominoes are falling. There is no need to be upset or bitter about it. Nothing you can do will cause so much as a stumble in the ferocious march of the New Tolerance.
There is no need to drag this out any longer than we have to. You fought hard, and you fought nobly - but your time in this country is done. Enough with the death throes. What I am offering is a merciful end to your arduous struggle.
Aren't you tired of fighting for a protected voice in the public square? Wouldn't you like to put to bed the anxieties about what religious rights your children and grandchildren will have? Wouldn't it be great to not have to worry about the extent to which the government will force you to violate your faith and conscience by mandate?
My vow to you is closure and rest. No more struggling. No more worry. As president, I will grant your religious liberty a quick, clean death.
That is my solemn promise to you.