SUN VALLEY, CA—In a move ostensibly to support interdenominational cooperation, John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church staff gifted a large, impressive wooden pulpit with a giant bow on top to nearby charismatic congregation Azusa Water Of Life Church, sources confirmed Sunday morning.
What the Pentecostals didn’t realize is that pastor and author John MacArthur himself was lurking within, waiting for his chance to spring out and preach cessationist doctrine to their unsuspecting congregation.
Charismatic staffers brought the expensive-looking wooden pulpit inside and set it up on their stage before beginning their service Sunday. Right in the middle of the wild dancing and revelries, when he could handle the charismatic chaos no longer, MacArthur jumped out of the trojan pulpit and began to exposit the New Testament in order to argue that the sign gifts had ceased.
“It’s a trap! Flee! Flee for your lives! HOO BABA KANDAAAAA!!!” Apostle-Prophet Jedidiah Benson III reportedly cried in an attempt to warn his congregation, but it was too late, as Grace elders had barred the doors from the outside.
“I wanted to take a few minutes to walk you through the arguments for cessationism,” MacArthur said as he began his sermon, while screaming pentecostals rolled around on the floor in terror. “It all begins of course with discernment. Turn with me in your Bibles to 2 Timothy, chapter 3, verse 15.”
MacArthur preached for nearly three hours, all while the charismatics continued to try to find some kind of escape route, sources confirmed.
At publishing time, Grace Church had left a gift communion table outside the church with Phil Johnson lurking within.