HOUSTON, TX - Enthralled onlookers at Lakewood Church in Houston watched this Sunday as a surprise guest marched onstage: John MacArthur.

A smiling Pastor Joel Osteen was preaching words of affirmation to his congregation when an enraged MacArthur stood up, marched toward him, and slapped him straight across the face before walking back to his seat.

"God wants you to be happy, healthy, and wealthy - uh-oh..." preached Osteen, his smile frozen across his face, as he saw the Baptist-ish preacher walking stoically toward him. "This is gonna sting."

MacArthur reared his hand back and gave Osteen a full-faced slap. The sound of the blow was heard echoing throughout the Houston area, according to sources, with some as far as Oklahoma claiming they felt a low rumble. Osteen was taken aback. "Well, goodness me -- that wasn't very affirming!" he said. "John MacArthur just slapped the dickens out of me! It was just a positive affirmation! Man oh man."

MacArthur calmly sat back down, popping open a tall, cool Fresca as he watched a bewildered Osteen try to regain his bearings and remember where he was in his inspirational message.

At publishing time, Osteen had claimed words and declarations of healing for his severely injured face and neck.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.