HOUSTON, TX—On a video posted to his Facebook page Thursday, a relieved Joel Osteen announced that he's tested negative for biblically faithful Christianity.
A nervous Osteen had accidentally come into contact with the Bible several days prior and feared he had contracted the gospel.
"I'm relieved to announce that I'm 100% gospel-free," the smiling pastor said. He'd been quarantining himself from friends and family for a few days just in case he was gospel-positive, not wanting the gospel to spread to anyone else. "My hand had briefly brushed against the Bible, as I thought it was one of my books. We've disposed of it, of course, and I've notified all the people I've come into contact with since then so they could quarantine."
"I'm just glad I'm still safe from the truth that I'm a hopeless sinner in need of a savior."
Osteen has, however, tested positive for a novel prosperity gospel virus -- a new but still very deadly mutation of an ancient heresy.