HOUSTON, TX—After numerous credible reports surfaced of megachurch prosperity preacher Joel Osteen “absolutely mangling” various Bible verses, a council of associate pastors at Lakewood Church voted unanimously to force the preacher to wear a body cam at all times in order to monitor his interactions with the Scriptures.
The pastor must wear the shoulder-mounted body camera throughout the day, in order to ensure that he treats all Bible verses with care, respect, and proper context.
“The camera will capture all interactions between Pastor Joel and innocent biblical texts,” a spokesperson for Lakewood Church told the press. “Should another verse come forward claiming Osteen totally ripped it out of context in order to support his health and wealth gospel, we’ll have an internal team review the footage to see if the accusation is true.”
The review board will also make the footage available to the public upon request, to further ensure Osteen is behaving properly when dealing with beloved Bible verses in both the Old and New Testaments. Several troubling pieces of footage have already been released, showing the pastor tearing verses like Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:13, and Exodus 14:14 to shreds.
Osteen reportedly protested the decision throughout the review process, but was forced to submit due to an article in the church’s bylaws. “I tried declaring victory over their decision, but to no avail,” he said, shaking his head. “I just don’t understand what went wrong. That usually works.”