WASHINGTON, D.C. — After several days of vote counting, media outlets are now projecting that Joe Manchin will retain control of the Senate.

"As the swing vote on the Democrat side, it is my honor to continue to bend the entire Congress to my will," said Manchin to reporters. "I vow to faithfully exercise the duties commensurate with the awesome power that has been granted to me, and will look forward to the exhilarating feeling of being the most talked about person in Washington whenever my party wants to get something done."

The congressman then threw his head back and laughed wickedly.

Sources say Manchin will continue to throw the occasional wrench in whatever the Democrats want to do, at least until the price is right. Already, there is a line of lobbyists outside his offices that stretches past three city blocks.

"Please take a number and get in line," he said. "It's gonna be a lucrative, er... I mean, long, two years."

At publishing time, Kyrsten Sinema attempted to regain some notoriety by unveiling a brand new hair color.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.