HOUSTON, TX — In a shocking turn of events, famed prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen has suddenly gone bankrupt after local woman Carissa Stewart named and claimed his entire estate.
"Welp, that backfired," said a homeless Mr. Osteen as he watched Ms. Stewart drive away in his Lamborghini. "Probably should have set a few guidelines on what exactly you are entitled to by simply claiming it as your own."
After decades of teaching that God will automatically grant the lusts of one's heart so long as that person 'claims it', Ms. Stewart promptly walked up to the stage and claimed everything Mr. Osteen owned. "It seemed like a long shot, but I really wanted his mansion. That thing is dope," said Ms. Stewart as she received the keys. "I just walked up and claimed it all, then said that if I didn't receive my claim, his entire ministry would be an obvious sham. I got all his millions, but I guess he kept his pride. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a good thing for Christians or not."
Having heard of the debacle, fellow prosperity gospel preachers derided Mr. Osteen's idiocy. "Ha! What a dummy!" said Kenneth Copeland as he jumped into his private jet. "You always have to have a caveat that none of the poors can actually claim something that a rich man already owns. That's prosperity gospel 101!"
At publishing time, Mr. Osteen had tried to name and claim his estate back, but Ms. Stewart informed him that she "didn't believe in that crap."
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