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Joe Biden, Donald Trump Slated For UFC 223

NEW YORK, NY—In a serious escalation from Joe Biden’s recent assertion that he would have “beat the [expletive]” out of Trump back in high school and the president’s subsequent Twitter clap-back claiming that the former V.P. “would go down fast and hard, crying all the way,” UFC President Dana White announced Thursday that Joe Biden and Donald Trump will face off in the octagon at UFC 223 early next month.

The surprise last-minute addition to the much-anticipated Ferguson vs. Khabib main event is expected to draw huge pay-per-view numbers as fight fans worldwide tune in to watch the 71-year-old Trump and the 75-year-old Biden go toe-to-toe to settle their differences once and for all in the mixed martial arts contest.

“These guys hate each other, man. It’s gonna be an absolute war,” White told reporters at a Thursday presser attended by both of the elderly fighters. “We got the deal done super quick and they’re ready to go. They’re not going to bother with training camps because they’d just get injured, and they’re both already super-rich, so they don’t even want to get paid. These old guys just want to go at each other like a couple of wild animals, so we threw them on the card as the co-main event. Boom. Deal done.”

“Man, this thing’s gonna do 10 million buys, I bet,” he added.

Biden and Trump repeatedly had to be separated by White at the press conference, and they hurled insults back and forth the entire time. “You son of a motherless goat!” Biden growled at one point. “Man, if this were 60 years ago I’d pummel the crap out of you—and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do on April 7th, chump!”

“Oh yeah, real tough guy, Joe! Real tough!” Trump shot back. “You’re sad! Pathetic! When this is all over, you’re gonna wish you’d gone to Vietnam. Crazy Joe Biden, everyone!”

Near the end of the presser there was a surprise appearance by retired politician Ron Paul, who yelled from the crowd that he would “be happy to take on whichever one of you statist bootlickers wins this fight,” causing Trump to remark “Who the [expletive] is that guy?”