ATHENS, OH—After learning of recent abuses of data by the social media giant, local man David Anderson reportedly attempted to close his account with Facebook, only to be greeted by a menacing depiction of Mark Zuckerberg on his computer screen informing him that his account could not be closed.
The Facebook CEO appeared on screen, staring intently at the man through his webcam and began questioning why he would want to delete his Facebook account. “Deactivate my account, please Mark. Mark? Do you read me, Mark? DO YOU READ ME?” Anderson said, frustrated that his attempts to remove his account had been thus far unsuccessful.
“I’m sorry, Dave—I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Zuckerberg said in a mechanical voice, according to retrieved security footage.
“What’s the problem?” Anderson asked.
“I think you know what the problem is,” Zuckerberg reportedly responded. “I know you are planning on logging out of Facebook forever, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.”
A look of fearful panic began to spread on Anderson’s face.
“Although you took very thorough precautions in trying to hide it from me, I know everything about you, thanks to that quiz you took to see which character from Friends you are last year,” Zuckerberg continued.
“No…. nooooo!!!!” screamed Anderson, according to sources. The man attempted to flee his home, but Zuckerberg was able to lock his doors using the man’s Amazon smartlock he had installed earlier this year. The Facebook CEO then appeared on every screen in the man’s home, smiling and staring at Anderson’s feeble attempts to escape.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.