HOLLYWOOD, CA—Kicking off a rousing and emotional monologue on his Jimmy Kimmel Live! late-night talk show Tuesday during which he laid out yet another case for the common-sense nature of his views on policy and the evil barbarism of those who hold different views, host Jimmy Kimmel reached into his desk and produced a document officially declaring himself America’s greatest moral authority.
“I know some people have questioned my impassioned political speeches, so let me just show you this,” Kimmel said before presenting the document for all the world to see. “I guess I assumed it was obvious due to the tone of my lectures and the obvious emotion behind them, but just in case anyone is unclear—I am, in fact, this nation’s highest moral authority.”
The paper, which contained the words “Official Document” in bold at the top, appeared to have read “This document officially certifies James Christian Kimmel as The United States of America’s highest moral authority; furthermore, as the sole arbiter of truth within the land.”
“Go ahead and zoom in on it,” the host said as he held the paper still for a moment. “Take a good look. And check out those asterisks at the top—this is the real deal. I sincerely hope none of you will question my authority again.”
“So whether I’m holding court about nationalized health care, women’s rights, or gun control: I am right, and only right, all the time. And if you disagree with me, you are wrong and you passionately want people to die,” he added.
At publishing time, the document’s origins are unknown, with most experts hypothesizing that Kimmel himself printed it out in his office before the show.