U.S. — In response to increasing displays of antisemitism across the country and around the world, authorities have advised Jewish people to protect themselves from violent attacks by no longer being Jewish.
"It's a simple solution," said historic White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "We have seen a sharp rise in antisemitic behavior, so our best advice to Jewish people in fear for their lives is to stop doing Jewy things and consider not being Jewish altogether."
As hostilities continue in Gaza between Israeli forces and the terrorist organization Hamas, troubling incidents in multiple cities have led to not only violent assaults and intimidation tactics against Jews but also cities canceling public Jewish festivals. "It's best for everyone involved to just not have Jew stuff going on," said Bill Kratzer, who sits on the City Council in Williamsburg, Virginia, where a Hanukkah festival was canceled due to safety concerns. "If Jewish people simply stop being Jewish and eliminate any trace of Jewishness from their lives, these risks will be greatly reduced."
Members of the Jewish community expressed confusion over how forcing Jews to not be Jews would allow Jews to freely and safely practice their Jewish way of life. "Let me get this straight," said Levi Rosenbaum, "if I want to stay safe as a Jew I need to not be Jewish? I might need more explanation here."
At publishing time, officials in cities across the United States were also considering issuing orders to round up members of the Jewish community to safely house them in special camps to reach a final solution to rising antisemitism.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
