WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a day political insiders feared but knew was inevitable, Representative Jerry Nadler was forced to retire from the U.S. Congress after being fully consumed by his own pants.
Though it took much longer than originally expected, Nadler lost his decades-long battle against his pants and disappeared into them over the weekend, forcing the New York congressman to retire from the House of Representatives.
"We knew this day was coming, but it's still sad to see it happen," said House Minority Leader and Nadler's fellow New York Congressman Hakeem Jeffries. "Jerry fought a long and difficult battle for many years, but sadly, he finally succumbed to the unavoidable fate of being swallowed up by the waistband of his trousers. We will miss him, but we must soldier on for the American people. We will eventually find someone who can fill Jerry's pants. Maybe two or three people."
Nadler's office at the U.S. Capitol released a statement confirming the news. "Jerry was lost to us today," the statement read. "He fought valiantly, but his head and arms finally disappeared into his pants over the Labor Day holiday. Fortunately, his loved ones and colleagues were able to say goodbye before his slacks fully consumed him. We've all agreed to wear our pants up around our armpits at the office for the next week to remember him."
At publishing time, congressional Democrats had announced that a pair of Nadler's pants would be flown at half-staff outside the Capitol to honor him for his years of service.
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