LYNCHBURG, VA—According to sources at Liberty University, school president Jerry Falwell, Jr. hacked the ear off a man who said a few words criticizing Donald Trump.
Falwell Jr. had emerged from DeMoss Hall on the Liberty University campus when he overheard a faculty member saying he didn't agree with all of Trump's policies.
"I'm not saying everything he does is bad," the professor of ethics said. "He's definitely done some good for our nation. But some of his policies don't seem 100% in line with either Christian or conservative values, and it's disconcerting to me how many people support everything he does without question."
Unable to stand it any longer, Liberty University's president whipped out a "massive katana" he keeps on his person for just such an occasion and struck the man, cutting off his ear.
Just then, according to witnesses, Donald Trump himself appeared "miraculously, as if he had just materialized." He gently reached out and stayed Falwell, Jr.'s hand from hacking the man to pieces.
"Put your sword back in its sheath," Trump said calmly. "I have come to save this nation, and shall I not suffer criticism as I make America great again?" Trump then reached down, picked up the professor's ear, handed it back to him, and told him he hopes he has health insurance "because that's gonna cost a ton to get fixed, believe me."
"I should have gone for the head," Falwell, Jr. muttered later, according to sources.