UNKNOWN - On a remote island in the East China Sea, 456 groggy, drugged-up Americans woke up in a room full of bunk beds. One by one, they came to, with hazy memories of a van pulling up and nabbing them off the streets.
"Welcome, welcome!" a cheery voice greeted them. Emerging from the shadows was none other than billionaire Jeff Bezos. "Shall we play a game?" Bezos informed the hapless pawns in his game that they would compete in a series of children's activities, such as red light, green light, hopscotch, and a creation of his own called "Smear the Elon."
During the first game, terrified contestants learned the hard way that those who lose the games are immediately gunned down. "But wait!" Bezos said as they demanded he let them go. "I haven't revealed the prize yet!" He pressed a button to lower a large piggy bank from the ceiling containing one ticket for the next Blue Origin flight, but accidentally pressed the trapdoor button, sending himself plummeting into the alligator pit. "Why do I even have that button?" he muttered to himself as he kicked a gator off his foot.
Amazon has confirmed that participation in the next series of games will be mandatory for all Americans.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
