AUSTIN, TX — James Talarico drew attention in recent months with his candidacy for Texas senator, but he reportedly had a bit of trouble appealing to the average Texan. To help with that, the Democratic Party sent in Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to give him "not acting gay" lessons.
"Hi! It's so great to be here!" Tim Walz said in a sing-songy voice while flailing his arms wildly upon greeting Talarico.
Walz served as the running mate for wildly successful 2024 presidential candidate Kamala Harris (she came in second place), and part of that was convincing people he was an average male. It did great for his image, and polls after the election showed a full 37% of voters thought Tim Walz was "possibly attracted to women."
Walz leaped right into teaching Talarico to be a macho, straight male, which included teaching Talarico how to eat meat without crying, how to catch a football without crying, and how not to bring up trans children in every conversation.
Sources revealed the initial lessons didn't go well. "I just keep thinking of baby animals!" said a tearful Talarico while trying to consume some brisket. He also kept requesting that they use a small Nerf football for catch, as a regular football kept giving him "ouchies."
Talarico soon saw improvement, though. At one point, he seemed to actually enjoy eating a barbecued turkey leg. "Know who would really enjoy this?" Talarico blurted out. "Trans children!" Talarico soon realized his mistake, but Walz told him he was making "great progress" and then gave him way too long of a hug.
At publishing time, Talarico was said to have advanced so far in his "not acting gay" lessons that he was now dating someone who is "maybe a woman."
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