SUCCOTH — Local patriarch Jacob was reportedly confused this week when his wife, Leah, appeared unimpressed with the Valentine's Day card he gave her that read, "I love you almost as much as I love your sister."
Jacob told several of his manservants and maidservants that he had put a substantial amount of thought and effort into choosing the right card, even traveling as far as the CVS in a faraway village to find one that was just right.
"It expresses my feeling perfectly," Jacob admitted. "I thought it was a slam dunk. I mean, she knows I worked seven years for Rachel… Leah wasn't my first pick, but she's alright. I don't know why that makes her so mad. It's the thought that counts, right?"
Sources said Leah retreated to her tent after receiving the card and said she wasn't coming out "for the foreseeable future." Jacob's attempts to smooth things over were reportedly ill-received.
"I really thought she'd like the card!" he continued. "I put little hearts on it and even included a new Stanley sheep's-bladder water bottle she'd been eyeing at the local market. How much more considerate can a guy get?"
Leah reportedly told friends that she hated the card and would probably be offended by it for the next month at least. "It's awful. He apparently gave Rachel a giant card that says, ‘I love you more than I love your sister,'" she told her servant girl. "What am I supposed to do when I hear that?"
At publishing time, Jacob failed to smooth things over by gifting Leah a bouquet of a dozen mandrakes from the nearby river.
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