BLUE SPRINGS, MO — One of nature's most wondrous events was on full display at one suburban home this week, as a local husband followed his innate instinct to enter his annual hibernation period between the Super Bowl and Major League Baseball Opening Day.
Tom Kellum, a husband and father, was seen making his preparations for his yearly extended slumber, which scientists have likened to a state of suspended animation, that takes place during the stretch of time between the end of the NFL season and the start of the MLB season.
"Watch as the man gorges himself to store up extra fat for his long slumber," one biologist whispered as Kellum lumbered through the house while eating a block of cheese. "The Super Bowl is over. Now, there is only the long, cold winter of nothing but the dark emptiness of college basketball. Soon, he will enter his cave, not to be seen again until MLB Opening Day."
Kellum could be heard sounding off his great bellow throughout the house before entering a nearby cave to sleep, as his wife and children knew from previous experience to remain a safe distance away during this stage. "It's dangerous to disturb him during this time," his wife, Andrea, whispered. "We all understand and don't hold it against him. He's simply carrying out what comes naturally to him. His most basic instincts are telling him to shut himself off to the world until baseball starts. He is powerless to resist this God-ordained urge. We'll have everything ready for him when he emerges."
At publishing time, Kellum had flown into a feral rage when someone awoke him to ask if he was going to fill out a March Madness bracket.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
