SAN FRANSISCO, CA—Jack Dorsey has stepped down as CEO of Twitter after realizing to his horror that he helped elect Joe Biden as President.
"Dear God...what have I done?" said Dorsey as he realized his manipulation and suppression of political speech had led to the election of Joe Biden to the White House. "I am no longer fit to lead Twitter. I resign."
Many critics agree that Twitter played a huge part in the election of Joe Biden, widely seen as the worst catastrophe since the creation of Twitter itself.
"I hope to atone for my sin of creating Twitter and electing Biden," said Dorsey. "A lifetime may not be enough, but I will spend my remaining days working to undo the damage I have done."
According to sources, Dorsey plans to first take some time away and pursue his dream of working at Hot Topic and living under a bridge.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.