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Uh oh! You just came across something incriminating about Hillary Clinton! Whatever you do, don't go to the press! They know everything anyway. Trust no one!
Oh wait, you already blabbed to Jerry from marketing? Ugh, okay. Better be on your guard.
Look for the following signs that Hillary has dispatched a team of elite assassins to hunt you down:
1) A piano drops behind you as you walk down the sidewalk: Could be a coincidence...
2) The burrito you were eating was somehow replaced with a stick of dynamite: At least it's spicy.
3) That Predator Drone has been following you for the last 3 blocks: Poor guy, maybe he's lost.
4) You find a suicide note you didn't write: And the poetic verse is all wrong.
5) The spotter for that sniper you saw looks a lot like Hillary Clinton: Might also be strange to see a sniper in a suburban neighborhood.
6) The cable guy introduces himself as Hilgo Clintmann: Hey! What's in that long black case?
7) Your new roommate, Hillard E. Climpton looks like Hillary in a mustache: You also can't remember having a roommate.
8) Bill Clinton keeps texting your wife to ask if she has any plans a week from next Tuesday: Suspicious.
9) Your prison guards suddenly turn off the video cameras in your cell and leave the room: Also, you somehow ended up in federal prison without a trial. Weird.
10) She just zoomed past you on explosive ACME rocket skates: You'd think she would have a better assassination budget.
11) Someone keeps leaving Walmart sushi on your doorstep: Gross and mysterious.
12) Your front porch welcome mat has been replaced by sticks and leaves covering a pit with a tiger in it: Probably would've fallen for it if the welcome mat covered the pit. Kind of a rookie move, Hillary.
13) There's someone wrapping piano wire around your neck going "Shhhhhhh shhhhhhh": At least they're considerate enough not to wake the neighbors.
14) You're writing an article making fun of Hillary Clinton when there's a knock at y
NOT SATIRE: You know what we'd really like to do this summer?
Fill a public school library with Tuttle Twins books, so when a LibsOfTikTok teacher shows up ready to indoctrinate her students, she "unfortunately" finds a library full of books that teach kids about the ideas of liberty, free speech, free markets, individual responsibility, and American history.
Will you help us send Tuttle Twins books to a public school? It costs roughly $10 to distribute one book to a school. Can you help?
Thank you,
Connor Boyack
Author, Tuttle Twins
