U.S. — In the hours after being convicted on 34 counts of something or other, Trump issued a reminder to the media that the proper term to describe him is "justice-impacted individual."

The term, commonly used by Democrats and journalists to describe convicted felons, now describes a 2024 presidential candidate, giving Americans an exciting opportunity to vote for someone unfairly targeted by the U.S. justice system.

"I am a justice-impacted individual, possibly the most justice-impacted of any person in history," said Trump in a statement outside the New York courthouse. "This totally fake and phony Democrat witch-hunt conviction by 12 low-IQ haters and losers on the jury has made me a victim of a corrupt and bad system the likes of which the world has never seen before. It's so sad, very sad. Not good."

Trump urged the media to use the more sensitive updated term when referring to him, in solidarity with the millions of powerless American victims of an unjust system.

At publishing time members of the media confirmed they will continue to use their preferred term in Trump's case, which is "dangerous, bad, convicted, illegal felon-criminal with a stinky poopy face."

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