MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to sources, an innocent multi-billion dollar megacorporation has come under ruthless attack from a terrifying group of domestic extremists who refuse to give the corporation any money.
"Over the last several days, we have been violently terrorized by several shoppers who assaulted us by threatening to take their business elsewhere," said Target CEO Brian Cornell, sobbing. "We have a God-given right to your hard-earned dollars, and when you don't give them to us it makes us sad. This is literal violence."
"Won't someone think of our stock prices?"
Authorities traced the terrorist attack to a 27-year-old mom of 4 from Evansville, Indiana who objected to some of the merchandise in the store and said, "Ew, I don't want my kids seeing this. I guess I'll go to HomeGoods instead." Law enforcement later confirmed that several other young mothers joined in assaulting the harmless corporation and are still at large.
"These young moms are the gravest threat to national security and Target share value the world has ever seen. They must be stopped," said Cornell.
At publishing time, FBI sources had confirmed credible threats from the terrorists that they may attack North Face next.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
