BEDFORD, CT — Part-time professor of archaeology Indiana Jones has reportedly changed his name to Land Stolen From Indigenous Peoples Jones out of respect for Native Americans who had their land stolen from them by white colonizers.
"I have recently become aware of my hurtful past as a thief of precious artifacts from indigenous holy sites and it's time for me to make amends," said Dr. Jones in a statement. "That is why I am changing my name to reflect the reality of this American landscape. We must bring attention to the pain and suffering the indigenous peoples have suffered ever since the white oppressor drove them from their rightful land."
When asked if Dr. Jones would willingly give up his own land to members of the local Mohegan tribe he fell strangely silent.
Dr. Jones, whose friends simply call him Landy, says he no longer wishes to be seen as a treasure hunter obsessed with filling museums with ancient artifacts.
"Artifacts don't belong in a museum," he maintained. "They belong with the oldest living descendant or culturally relevant government body."
When asked if Dr. Jones would return the priceless Cross of Coronado to the Spanish government he fell strangely silent.
At publishing time, Henry Jones Sr. rolled his eyes, reminding his son, "We named the dog Land Stolen From Indigenous Peoples."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
