NEW YORK — Fox News announced today that they will fill their primetime slot with a computer monitor that will sit there and play Tucker Carlson's livestream on Twitter.
"We're on in three, two - aw crap, it's buffering!" said cameraman Reggie Johnson. "Do we have anyone left who knows how to talk while this thing loads? Is Gutfeld sober??"
After shuffling their primetime lineup 73 times in the few weeks since firing Mr. Carlson, Fox News finally decided to just admit defeat. "Sure it's embarrassing, but a computer streaming a journalist is so much cheaper than an actual journalist," said Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch. "If this works out, we could end up saving $20 million per year on talent. Rupert, you sly genius!"
Thus far, Fox News viewers have hailed the decision as a massive upgrade. "Things just haven't been the same for me since Fox fired Tucker," said Mable McPherson of Greenville, SC. "It was like a knife to my heart. I've just been watching Paula Dean reruns and waiting for my grandson to teach me how to do the Twitter so I can watch Tucker on my cellular. I'll sure be glad to have him back."
At publishing time, Fox had attempted to improve the appeal of the computer monitor by adding a blonde wig.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
