Increased Precipitation Across Nation Revealed To Be Cowboys Fans' Tears
U.S. · Jan 15, 2024 ·

U.S. — The source of an unexpected overnight surge in precipitation across the United States has now been discovered, as a team of meteorologists revealed it to be caused by the tears of Dallas Cowboys fans.

The team, which held the No. 2 seed in the NFC playoff bracket, was soundly pummeled at home by the Green Bay Packers last night, causing millions of Cowboys fans throughout the country to weep uncontrollably, combining with the ongoing polar vortex to unleash yet another wave of heavy precipitation.

"‘America's Team' is responsible for America's winter storms," said meteorologist Pete Benson. "We've noticed a startling trend over the last few decades. Every January, immediately following the Cowboys' season unceremoniously ending, there is a sudden wave of precipitation across the country. The tears of Cowboys fans would be the most logical explanation. Scientifically speaking, that team really eats it."

Sources at the National Weather Service confirmed reports that the Cowboy's annual failure is the likely cause of the rise in precipitation. "I'm afraid the rumors are true," said Dr. Frederick Von Hammerstein. "The Dallas Cowboys' bizarre tradition of crushing the hopes and dreams of their fans results in an annual barrage of precipitation throughout the nation each winter. Fascinating, but very sad."

At publishing time, scientists were also reportedly working on a theory based around the idea that increased seismic activity each fall may be linked to angry baseball fans flying into simultaneous rages each year when the Los Angeles Dodgers win the NL West division title.

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