Op-Ed: I Should Buy A Sword
Opinion · Jan 15, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

I should buy a sword.

I feel it is my duty as a man to maintain in my possession a weapon resplendent with both a storied ancestry and a capacity to skewer the unassuming burglar.

Plus it would look sweet hanging on the wall next to my Super Mario Bros. poster.

The sword has played no small role in forging history for the better. Since its Bronze Age birth millenia past, it has impaled, chopped, and lopped its way through battles, revolutions, and rebellions in the coolest way possible, as well as create a lasting impact on modern culture. If the Star Wars Kid can achieve fame and fortune huffing and swinging a broom handle like a twin-blade Wakizashi Samurai Sword, then there is nothing stopping me from swinging my own balanced blade of razor-sharp folded steel in my back yard.

Will I ever wield a sword to protect my family from barbaric, mace-wielding, village-pillaging foes as was required of my valiant ancestors of old? Not likely. Will I ever be skilled enough to flourish my blade and deflect incoming bullets from Russian invaders? For sure, and I pray for that day to come swiftly.

Following a quick 57 hours of research and some heart wrenching decisions, I have narrowed my choice down to two gleaming prospects: The classic one-handed five-lobe Viking Sword, or the impressively two-handed Damascus Steel Oslo Blade. Each hails from my probably-pure viking ancestry, has its own particular usefulness in melee combat, and is forged with 5160 High Carbon Steel and dual hardened. Forged...hmm.

I should forge a sword.


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