WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Secret Service announced that after a thorough investigation, none of the protesters outside of the White House this past week were wearing MAGA hats.
"Rest assured, not a single person shaking the fences outside the White House was wearing Trump paraphernalia," said Officer Stan Wiggins. "We can all sleep sound knowing that the crowd chanting for the mass murder of innocents contained absolutely zero Republicans."
In conjunction with Secret Service, the Capitol Police deployed temporary fencing outside the White House gates to give authorities more time to scan for Trump supporters. Fortunately, no MAGA hats were seen and thus no arrests were made during the protest.
At publishing time, the FBI announced that a tactical unit had successfully stormed a nursing home to arrest 86-year-old dementia patient Norman Rickett, who reportedly wandered up to the Capitol doorway on January 6th.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
