How Does An Iowa Caucus Work? The Bee's Step-By-Step Guide
Politics · Jan 14, 2024 ·

With the Iowa Caucus upon us, you may find yourself wondering - what on earth is a caucus? The Babylon Bee has broken it down with a step-by-step guide of what goes down on Caucus day:

  1. The caucus begins with an opening ceremony, followed by the famous "Running of the Heifers": Like Spain's version, only in slow motion.
  2. Voters cast ballots by tossing an ear of corn into a candidate's bucket: Cows and other livestock also receive half an ear of corn, which they may use for eating or voting.
  3. Voters may then steal votes from rival candidates' buckets by challenging their supporters to a tractor pull: Just as the Founders envisioned.
  4. At noon, the candidates arrive to wrestle the state's biggest 4H hog for the chance at bonus votes: The hog is on a long winning streak, with his last loss surprisingly being to Jeb!
  5. In the afternoon, supporters race to carve a butter sculpture of their candidate: No votes are at stake, but it's pretty impressive what these people can do with butter.
  6. The final test for candidates to qualify is whether they can do a full 60-second keg stand: Busch Light only, of course.
  7. Dancing begins when polls close, with every male getting a chance to square dance with the lady candidate: Get in line, fellas.
  8. Everyone gets to play baseball with ghosts while the votes are tallied: Perfect way to kill time.
  9. Candidates must navigate a corn maze to the stage where the final tally will be revealed: Word has it that John Kasich is still somewhere out in the maze.
  10. Trump is then declared the winner by 30 points: Tradition is tradition!

We hope this helps explain the complex political process known as "caucusing." Get excited, Iowa!

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