SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced an update to its package tracking system that would helpfully inform California customers when their package had reached their destination and been stolen.
California leads the nation in stolen packages, and Amazon took steps to do something about it by clarifying right away when your missing package was stolen.
"Oh, looks like my package was stolen and sold to a man named Clammy Hanson under a bridge in Los Angeles for some cocaine. Cool!" said Angela Fiddle, an Amazon customer in San Bernardino. "Thanks, Amazon!"
According to Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, the new advanced tracking system for stolen packages absolves the company of the need to issue refunds. "Now you know exactly who stole your package and why. We don't owe you anything," he said. "If you want to actually receive a package, maybe try not living in California."
Founder Jeff Bezos said stolen package tracking had long been a dream for the company, and he was proud to finally see it come together. "We probably could have worked on a way to safely and securely deliver packages instead, but this is a lot more interesting," he said. "Think of all the crime networks we can uncover. The police will pay top dollar for this information."
At publishing time, Amazon had announced a new feature that would provide free Prime shipping directly to a thief of your choice.
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