MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Human rights activists planned large protests in the coming weeks after learning retail giant Target had committed the unprecedented atrocity of moving Pride displays back 20 feet from their previously prominent location at the front of the store.
"This is violence and erasure! We can't let Target get away with this!" screamed Unity Scarborough (they/them), a spokesperson for Protect Trans Infants, an LGBTQ+ activist group in the Twin Cities. "Moving the store's Pride displays back 20 feet literally means people are going to die! Do you hear me?! DIE!"
Target has been embroiled in controversy after the public was shocked to learn the store was not only increasing its already prominent celebration of Pride Month in its children's apparel but also partnering with a known Satanist artist to produce artwork for the clothing line and accessories. In response to the backlash, Target's leadership made the decision to simply move the displays to a less-prominent location, which reportedly resulted in the instant deaths of millions of gay, lesbian, and trans people nationwide.
"We knew something horrible had happened as soon as they moved the displays," Scarborough continued. "We felt a great disturbance in the queer force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Our beautiful Satanic queerness must be featured on kid's clothes and placed in the most visible part of the store! BIGOTS!"
At publishing time, activist groups had called for even more intense protests after learning Target was upping the ante by refusing to let drag queens assist children in the fitting rooms without supervision.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.