KYIV, UKRAINE - In a shocking move likely to intensify the threat of nuclear war, President Zelensky took the unprecedented step of asking Congress to send Florida-Georgia Line to play a concert for Russian troops.
"I do not ask this lightly," said a solemn Zelenskyy. "I know full well the consequences we all may face for such action. We unleash the full evil of bro-country against humanity at our own peril. But the peril of our foes must match our own! It is therefore with a heavy heart that I ask America to finally take decisive action, and send that accursed duo to the Russian camps."
An audible gasp could be heard throughout the chambers of Congress as Zelenskyy went quiet. "You know not what you ask!" shouted Florida senator Marco Rubio, himself a one-time concert survivor. Yet with the failure of sanctions combined with Biden's insistence on no military action, after hours of debate, Congress gave in.
"God help us!" cried Ted Cruz as he cast his vote.
At publishing time, sources say Florida-Georgia Line is 'super stoked' about the concert and will be joined on stage by Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, and Satan (who is a huge bro-country guy).
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
