MIRAMAR, FL — Spirit Airlines has hammered yet another nail into the coffin of ableism by hiring the world's first blind commercial airline pilot. Flight 2047 from Orlando to Saint Louis is set to be the first vision-impaired flight. The co-pilot will reportedly wear a blindfold for the duration of the flight out of solidarity with its blind captain.
According to sources, Isaac "Fuselage" Bartimaeus dreamed of being a pilot ever since someone described to him what planes look like. The rookie pilot, who has been blind since birth, earned a pilot's license after spending two years studying theoretical flight. Due to his condition, he was not permitted to fly a plane as part of his schooling. Spirit Airlines waived the requisite 1,500 hours of flight time as a way of accommodating his disability.
"It's 2022! We need to set aside our differences by understanding we are not different. I learned from Ratatouille that anyone can cook so it makes sense that anyone can fly," said Spirit Airlines CEO Denver Estrada. "We also hope this publicity will help people understand that we are a real airline with real airplanes you can ride in."
Reporters were briefly permitted on the plane to witness history as Captain Bartimaeus introduced himself to the passengers.
"This is your captain speaking. I'd like to welcome you all aboard. I am excited to fly you all into the sky," said Captain Bartimaeus.
"Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see," he added, referencing his favorite film, Event Horizon.
At publishing time, Flight 2047 had crashed into Mount Elbert in Colorado.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: