OXFORD — Atheists worldwide were surprised to hear that one of their movement's prominent leaders had undergone a potential worldview shift as several witnesses reported they had seen Richard Dawkins wearing a WWJD bracelet and Christian novelty shirt.
The outspoken atheist, gripped by fear that the progressive elimination of Christian values from society would speed up humanity's destruction, bravely draped himself in contemporary Christian garb in an effort to preserve culturally Christian practices.
"I'll do whatever I must," Dawkins said dutifully as he wrapped the WWJD bracelet around his wrist. "While I refuse to believe that God exists, I do see how much better it is for the world to pretend to believe that God exists. That is why I am now committed to wearing popular evangelical Christian attire to spread the good news of cultural Christianity. I am assembling a full wardrobe of t-shirts, baseball caps, and bracelets that promote core Christian beliefs."
When asked if this new philosophy contradicts his atheist views, Dawkins provided clarity. "While this bracelet asks what Jesus would do, I am only prompting mankind to ask itself ‘What would this fictional character named Jesus do in a metaphorical sense to promote decent behavior for the betterment of humanity?' Unfortunately, WWTFCNJDIAMSTPDBFTBOH is too cumbersome for a bracelet."
Dawkins cleared his schedule to devote more time to listening to Carman albums, reading Purpose Driven Life, and binging episodes of The Chosen.
At publishing time, Dawkins was seen discreetly peeling the "Darwin" fish off the back window of his car.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
