IRAQ—High-ranking officials in the U.S. Military have been watching Portland closely in recent weeks, keeping a keen eye on anti-fascist vigilante group, Antifa. "These great Americans are really passionate about fighting fascism. It's inspiring to see," said one general. The decision was made to gather up as many Antifa members as possible into a large plane and fly them into the Middle East to fight the Taliban.
The world has been watching as the Taliban advances in Afghanistan, with many experts saying they will soon control the entire country--at least, until now.
"With Antifa walking the streets of these war-torn villages, we're pretty sure the Taliban's days are numbered," said Captain Harvey Kittle, one of those who headed up sending Antifa on the mission. "Just look at Portland. Little to no fascists can actually be found there. It's practically a fascist-free zone. Presumably, we can thank Antifa for that," he added.
While Antifa members were initially resistant, after being briefed that Taliban had been behind the killing of Christians, they took a sudden interest.
Asked if they had any fear that the terror groups in the Middle East might kill them on sight, Antifa leader Thistle Matrix Harlequin said, "we have anti-Trump signs. As soon as we flash those, they'll realize we're not the bad type of Americans and will immediately shower us with praise and want to touch our faces."
Harlequin's partner, Moonshade Wolflust said he doesn't want to fight the Taliban, only learn their secrets. "The way I see it, the Taliban is doing what we're trying to do in Portland, only we use more vegan coconut milkshakes and stuff."
The Antifa group was released into Kabul last Wednesday and have not been heard from since.