Politics
Impeachment Committee Calls First Star Witness Greta Thunberg

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Rep. Adam Schiff and the House Intelligence Committee called on their first star witness to prove that Donald Trump committed high crimes and misdemeanors: Swedish climate change activist Greta Thunberg.

"Ms. Thunberg, thank you for being here today," Schiff began but was immediately interrupted by the girl:

"How dare you!" she shouted.

"Oh, heh, um... I'm on your side, here, let's take it easy," Schiff continued awkwardly. "What information do you have on Donald Trump and his blatant corruption when it comes to his phone call with Ukraine?"

"You have stolen my dreams and my childhood!" she shouted, pounding the table in front of her. The crowd began to get emotional, weeping and shouting and screaming at the sky all at once. "This is all wrong! I shouldn't be here. I should be back in school!"

Even Schiff himself shed a few tears and led the committee in a standing ovation for Thunberg's bravery. "I think we've heard enough. I declare Donald Trump impeached!" Sadly, Schiff was later informed that he couldn't simply declare impeachment.

Thunberg concluded her testimony by shouting, "PEOPLE ARE DYING!" to thunderous applause.

The committee is now expected to call on other star witnesses like Alyssa Milano, Jane Fonda, and Debra Messing.

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