PIERRE, SD — After Governor Kristi Noem caught her puppy playfully barking at the mailman today, she broke out her 12-gauge shotgun and apologized for what was about to happen.
"I'm sorry it's come to this, Max," said Noem, loading two shells in the magazine. "But you did bark at the mailman, after I specifically asked you not to. Don't worry, I'll make it fast."
According to sources, Governor Noem had only last week blown away her last puppy with an AR-15 after she caught him digging in the garden. "These dogs are just so hard to train," said Noem, cleaning her rifle. "It's a shame you have to annihilate a few puppies with high-grade weaponry, but hey - that's just life on a farm!"
Governor Noem reportedly led her puppy Max down to the infamous gravel pit where she prefers to perform her executions. "Stop dragging your paws, Max. Ugh, you are just the worst," said Noem as they walked into the puppy graveyard. "Four dozen puppies, and I still haven't found one that can be trained. Oh, well. Get ready for doggie heaven, Max."
At publishing time, Democrats had condemned Noem for killing puppies when they aren't even Jewish.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
